Amazon: A Tale of a Casual Collector

By Julia Kansas

Waiting in line at Area Nightclub. Is this the 80’s? Or, is this a modern day manifestation. Surrounded by the most interesting looking people. A pink cloud takes over the line. Lifts me up and I float over a swarm of cool and possibly interesting club goers, into the bar. The theme tonight? Oh, I don’t know, beauty I suppose. Must be, since everything here is just so beautiful. I float above Jean Michel Basquiat, Andy Warhol and….is that Sandra Bernhard in all her gapped-tooth glory? Disco music is playing and I can see it. It looks like a waterfall of Mountain Dew: toxic and beautiful. But wait, what’s happening? Men dressed like Barney the friendly purple dinosaur are flooding the club, taking art off the walls. Some of the men/Barneys are physically carrying out performance artists while others pull a Chuck Close painting off the wall. The cloud disappears under me and…

Holy fuck. I wake up. Ugh, what time is it. With a short reach I grab my iPhone 5s off of my bedside table and see that it’s 10:38 am. If it were 10:30 I wouldn’t feel so guilty for sleeping in. But 10:38 seems too close to 11:00. Essentially I woke up at 11:00. I’m so lazy. But it’s my day off so, fuck, whatever. I lay staring at the ceiling. I need to touch up the paint, whoever painted this room fucking sucks. Do I feel like coffee or tea? Should I make it here? Maybe I’ll just pop across the street to that coffee shop, what’s it called again? Oh, who cares? A Soy latte would be so fucking good. I should just buy myself a cappuccino machine, I bet I’d save a shit ton of money. Yeah, I’ll do that on my next day off. When is that? Thursday, unless Reid calls in sick again. Alright, it’s time to get up; I have to go pee anyways. Jesus, the floors are so cold, and actually kind of dirty now that I see them in the light. Jesus, why is it so much colder outside of my bedroom. I’ll just throw a sweater on after I go pee…OMG even the toilet seat is cold! Maybe I’m just so cold because I’m tired. That’s probably it. No need to wash my hands, they didn’t get dirty when I wiped. What sweater should I put on? Turtleneck or crew neck? Oh who cares, no one here to impress.

Where did I last use my laptop? Oh, in bed last night, of course. I fell asleep watching The Nanny on Netflix. I’ve got to stop doing that. I think it’s fucking with my sleep patterns. Whatever, who cares. What’s most annoying is the fact that my Mac ran out of batteries. The time, date and wifi change and it takes for-fucking-ever to reset everything. Couch or kitchen table? Kitchen table, for now at least. I’ll just make coffee here, that way I can stay in my pajamas a little longer. Smart. I love this new plaid pajama shirt-dress thing I got for Christmas from my mom. The color is a hideous teal, I’d obvs prefer black, but it’s slightly charming coming from my maker. OH MY GOD. I’m so annoying, why do I never wash this coffee press after I use it. I should probably start flushing the grinds down the toilet, I’m pretty sure it’s starting to clog the sink. Ew, the ground coffee looks so gross in the toilet bowl. I’m almost out of dish soap, gotta pick some up. But not at the convenience store across the street, their prices are highway robbery! Alright, 2 minutes until I can press this coffee. I hope I have some soymilk left. Fuck yeah I do! Awesome.


What a stupid horoscope. I need to find a new astrology site, these ones are going seriously down hill. Maybe I should get an astrologer instead. Although, it got one thing right, I wouldn’t mind going out tonight. Maybe Jennifer would be down to party. Ooh! I can wear my new red lipstick. Mac-Ruby Woo. Yes, I definitely need to go out tonight. I bet that’s what my dream meant. I just need to blow off some steam. Oh my god, I totally forgot Ricky Martin was gay. Actually, I totally forgot he even existed. Who writes Dlisted? Whoever it is, is fucking hilarious. I wish I could just write funny things on the Internet all day and get paid for it. Fuck. I bet I’d be a good blogger. I should start one. I’m pretty funny. What? Uncle Phil died? That’s actually so sad. I wonder if it had anything to do with him being so fat. That sounds so rude…but I mean…probably. I should go work out later. It’s just that getting to the gym is so annoying. I’m going to scroll through my fitness Tumblr to get inspired. Ugh, these girls are so damn skinny. I’ll never be that skinny, even if I stopped eating all together. So annoying! Why do people post picture of unhealthy food on fitness blogs. What is wrong with these people? They are psychos. Complete and utter psychos. That reminds me though; what should I have for breakfast. Or I guess lunch now. It’s already 11:45! What have I done for the past hour? Was I scrolling through this tumblr feed for that long? Jesus, I guess I have been. Let’s see. I have some yogurt and bananas. And maybe I’ll even treat myself to a piece of toast and peanut butter. Why I even have bread in the house is beyond me. I need to stop that. At least it’s whole wheat. And I’ll only have one. For energy, for the gym.

Wow, of course I let this yogurt go bad. I barely ate any of it. I suck. If I had a boyfriend, less food would go to waste. I guess I’ll just have toast with peanut butter and banana. I haven’t even checked Facebook or Instagram yet today! Does that mean I’m growing up, or becoming less dependent on social media? New friend request! Wonder who it is. Oh, it’s just that guy I met at the bar through Hilary. He was cute, but sort of creepy. He did buy me a couple drinks. I guess I’ll accept, I can always unfriend him later if I want to. His profile pictures are pretty lame. Ew, this one of him with these two slutty girls is revolting. Yuck. Who is that? Her profile pictures are hilarious! I can’t believe people live like this. She HAS to be a stripper, or at the very least an escort. I don’t know if her body is good enough to be a stripper though. Jesus, Facebook is such a time suck. I’ll just really quickly check Instagram. This new direct message thing is cool; wish someone would message me though. Oh my god, did she actually go to Vegas to see Britney?! I’m so fucking jealous. Maybe I should do that, it looks fun. I could finally wear that sequin jacket I bought on sale at ZARA. Who do I know that would go with me? I bet Christian would be so down, he loves Brit Brit. But he’s always so broke. That’s it, I’m unfollowing Pat Young, she’s so boring. I’m over seeing her outfit posts. They aren’t even cute. Any fucking body can go to H&M and buy a crop top and high-wasted jeans. Over it. So over it.


Guess I’m not going to the gym today, no time. I should probably start getting ready. Fuck it, I’ll shower later. I mean…I showered last night, so there’s really no rush. I wonder if my coffee is still hot. Nope. Not even warm. I should probably invest in a microwave. That reminds me; cappuccino machine. I should just order it on Amazon! That would actually save so much time and effort. I’m so smart sometimes. This one is cheaper. But the other one is so much more chic. After all, I have to live with it for like, ever. I may as well like the way it looks. Chrome: obvs. Ugh, I can’t decide. There’s an art section on Amazon? This stuff is hardcore. There’s Andy Warhol shit on here! They’re screen prints, but whatever, that’s cool. Jeff Koons! That’s so awesome! I’m getting it. $33,750 is a lot, but fuck; imagine if I owned a Koons! He just did Lady Gaga’s new album cover. Really, when you think about it, $33,750 isn’t THAT much for art. It’s an investment really. Add to cart. Proceed to checkout. Yep. Shipping options. Standard, I’m already spending so much on it. Place your order? Yes, please. Ok I’d better get ready to meet Jennifer. Hmm, what should I wear?